We've been hanging out in Reno decompressing a bit from Burning Man this week, staying at the Grand Sierra Resort / RV Park. Last night after some high stakes gambling in the casino (Cherie made $25 and I lost $20) we decided to splurge on the adjoining $3 movie theater to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

*ugh*

I had heard that Indy 4 was pretty bad, but it was worse than I could have imagined it being. All the elements that made the original Indiana Jones movie and character great were present, but in such a forced and poorly scripted fashion that at times it was downright painful to watch.

The plot was incomprehensible and senseless. The main characters were so indestructible that you never once felt any tension, true sense of adventure, or risk for their lives. And the whole Crystal Skull story line was promising, but the way that it was executed was totally ridiculous...

*sigh*

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was a disappointing return to a classic trilogy. But even it was not nearly as disappointing as Indy 4.

Some classics are really best left classic. And along those lines - hearing today that the original cast is reuniting to make Ghostbusters 3 fills me with dread.... *sigh*

Rating: 1 star.

BTW - I haven't gotten around to posting any pictures or stories from Burning Man yet, but serolynne has posted some awesome summaries and photos chronicling our experience. Check them out here!

Cherie's dad celebrates a Christmas Day tradition of bad movies - and the choice yesterday afternoon was bad indeed. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is a mess of a movie.

Adam Sandler and Kevin James are two extremely straight (and homophobic) Brooklyn firefighters who file for a domestic partnership to get pension benefits. But they soon discover that the city is investigating them for potential fraud, so suddenly they need to make their partnership seem as real as possible - moving in together, "gaying up the place", going to Aids benefits, and even getting married in Canada.

The movie is nothing but a mess of magnified and reinforced stereotypes. The ultimate message is one of acceptance, but not in the sense of "gay folks are everywhere and most of them look and act pretty darn normal" but rather "gay folks are flaming bizarre and disgusting, but they need to be true to who they really are so you should accept them." *ugh*

I was also really offended with the movie portraying twin sisters making out as jaw-on-the-floor hot (sisters?!?) - while even at the end of the movie making such a big deal out of two men kissing being something you should avert your eyes from in disgust.

What sort of message is that to be reinforcing? *groan*

Rating: 1 star.

NetBank sucks.

I was just now trying to log onto Netbank. After correctly entering my account ID and password, I was prompted with the question: "What is your favorite candy?"

WTF?

I am not a particularly big candy fan. I don't have a favorite candy. And if I did, it certainly would change - often. My favorite candy is whatever I happen to be eating RIGHT NOW. And why the hell does my bank care??

After guessing wrong three times, NetBank has now locked me out of my account entirely. Now I need to sit on hold and beg to have the security system reset before I can log on again.

Ironically, I was logging on to transfer out the last of my money and cancel the account.
Now - I would like to cancel the damn account with extreme prejudice. *gargh*

Even if you like candy, avoid NetBank. They have had horrible customer support, surprise annoying fees, and now the world's worst security system. Stay away!

Last night we watched an incredible movie, made with intense love and beautiful attention to detail. Ratatouille embodies nearly everything I love about the art of movie making.

Night at the Museum on the other hand seems to embody nearly everything I hate.

Ben Still is hired on as a night watchman at a museum where the exhibits come to life every night. It could have been a magical fantasy. Instead it was just plain painful.

The movie felt cobbled together. There was no love or attention to detail. No chemistry between the actors. And it is little wonder. From wikipedia:

"While filming, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson only had one day that they saw each other. Ben Stiller talked to a toothpick for the Jedediah scenes; three months later Owen Wilson came and filmed all of his parts."

A toothpick actually might have been a better casting choice.

I also found this on Wikipedia:

"Originally, Stephen Sommers was the director of the project. He eventually left due to creative differences."

Whenever a director quits over creative differences, movies should be mandated to carry a warning label:
RUN AWAY, THIS MOVIE HAS NO HEART AND NO SOUL.

Rating: 1 star

The goal of Geek Week out here in the Black Rock Desert is to load test the WiFi network that will be deployed for Burning Man in August.

Someone out here put the network to the test yesterday by downloading a bootleg copy of the just released Transformers movie - and late last night after most of the fireworks had died down, well over a dozen people attended the Black Rock City premiere.

It was totally surreal to be sitting out munching popcorn in a dessert watching a just-released movie on a big outdoor projection screen. Cherie dozed asleep on my lap while we watched, only to be stirred awake periodically by the sound of flame throwers, explosions, and buzzing glowing UFOs overhead.

Oh - and those sounds weren't coming from the movie BTW... *grin*

The movie itself absolutely sucked. The plot wasn't even worthy of a cartoon episode. The special effects were rather run of the mill. And the acting and dialog??? *ugh*

But even thought the movie sucked, you sure couldn't beat the coolness of the theater.

Rating: 1 star...

serolynne got us some student priced tickets to see the touring production of the Pirates of Penzance tonight at the King Center in Melbourne.

Gads - it was awful. I am glad it only cost $10 to attend!

The show was completely pointless. The story wasn't engaging, exciting, interesting, or even witty. I felt no connection to any of the character, or the actors. The music was basic, occasionally catchy, but often tedious. And the banshee howls of the female chorus were mostly unintelligible, and often painful.

I don't think I've ever seen a Gilbert and Sullivan play before. I intend to avoid seeing another one.

Rating: 1 star

More adventures in Nomadic Serendipity this past weekend...

Dinner with my friends Karin and Thomas Friday night turned in to them inviting me to go along with them to Leah's birthday party - a woman I had met at Burning Man but hadn't gotten to know particularly well yet. At the party, Leah asked me what I was doing Saturday night. It turns out Leah is the Development Director for the Magic Theater in San Francisco, and Saturday night was the San Francisco premier of Sam Shepard's latest play - The God of Hell.

She told me I could meet her there right before show time and I'd get in to the show free, and I'd get to stay after for the VIP party for the cast and donors.

How could I say say no?!? We even ended up with front row seats!

I remember having seen Sam Shepard's Pulitzer-Prize winning play Buried Child performed when I was in college, so I had high hopes for The God of Hell.

Sadly, I was a bit disappointed.

They play was intense and powerful, and the difficult roles were incredibly well acted by the skilled four person cast. But the story itself felt pointless, tedious, and repetitive.

From the show guide: It is a Comedy of Menace, rooted in Naturalism but also embracing the Absurd.

And from Wikipedia: The God of Hell has been described by Shepard as "a take-off on Republican fascism." The plot concerns Wisconsin dairy farmer Frank and his wife Emma, and how their peaceful middle-American life is destroyed by Mr. Welch, a mysterious, ultra-patriotic government employee in pursuit of Frank's old friend, Haynes.

For me - the core point of the play about patriotism run amuck and our government going out of control is actually diminished by framing it as an absurd black comedy. The reality of what has been happening to our government is absurd and scary enough that it doesn't need to be magnified into a farce.

(Speaking of which - the stuff I have been reading today about the Military Commissions Act of 2006 is making me sick to my stomach...)

But regardless of what I thought of the play, I loved the chance to go out and see some live theater. It was also very much fun to spend a night out getting to know Leah better!

Rating: 1.5 stars

After RV, next up on the drive-in screen was The Benchwarmers.

Fortunately for her, Lindsay managed to sleep through most of it. But I suffered. Oh, how I suffered.

Never before in my life have I seen a movie so bad. It is without a SINGLE redeeming quality. Usually I enjoy finding the hidden gems - the tiny bits of passion lurking even within the worst movies. This movie has NONE. There is nothing to like here. None of the characters are likable. The story is insipid. The production values are lame. The jokes are cheesy and unfunny.

The movie seems to intend to celebrate nerds - but it actually mocks them.

Oh - the horror. The pain.

This is not "so bad it is good" material. There is nothing worth making fun of here. It just plain out hurts to see something so bad. Not even the MST3K crew would be able to make fun of this.

I left the movie feeling somewhat sick to my stomach - not from the gross out humor, but because my very faith in the goodness of humanity was shaken a bit. As the credits rolled - I wondered how so many people could have given weeks, months, or even years of their lives to make this movie. *ugh*

One online review sums it up nicely: "This movie wasn't screened for critics, because Sony Pictures, the studio releasing it, knew any sentient reviewer would hate it. But when you have on your hands a movie so bad that you are afraid to show it, maybe that's a tip off that you oughtn't be releasing it all. After all, what business is Sony Pictures in, films or industrial waste products? Based on The Benchwarmers, it would appear to be the latter."

Yes - it really is that bad.

Rating: NEGATIVE FIVE STARS...

Finally - the last of my backlog of movie reviews!

Allegra picked this movie to entertain those of us hanging out at House Weirdness this past Sunday after Akien's birthday party.

Down Periscope is mindless fun, but that seemed oddly appropriate for a lazy afternoon chilling out.

Kelsey Grammer (of Frasier fame) is given his first submarine command in the Navy - but to his dismay rather than being given a nuclear sub, he is assigned an old rustbucket diesel and a crew of extreme misfits. He is told his mission is to mock-attack Norfolk Navel Base - and he is being set up to fail by a bad-guy Admiral to make the modern nuclear Navy defending the port look good.

The misfit crew comes together, cheesy jokes ensue, and the predictable happens.

This could have been a fun spoof on submarine movies. Its not.

Think "Police Academy" or "Bad News Bears" style-humor, underwater. Oh boy - farts in a submarine! Woohoo!

*groan*

Rating: 1 star.

Taking it easy at home today recovering from strep, I got sucked into watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Ugh. What a waste of time.

I am embarrassed to admit that there is something undeniable appealing about watching hot women kick zombie ass. But no amount of Milla Jovovich can redeem this piece of illogical garbage.

Roger Ebert's review sums it up well:
Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children.

Rating: 1 star.

Last night (Friday) we went on a family outing to see Peter Jackson's new King Kong remake.

My dad summed up our collective reaction best: "You can't put ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag."

Aimee: "I want three hours of my life back!"
Me: (after sneezing) "I think I am allergic to bad dialog..."

My mom and brother also had little nice to say.

Can this be from the same Peter Jackson, the maestro behind Lord of the Rings?!?!??

*sigh*

There are so many gratuitous overdone overlong special effects shots in this movie that the story gets lost. Lord of the Rings deserved three three hour movies. The story of King Kong could have been better told in less than two.

( *mild spoilers* )

Now onto the good:

New York in the 1930's looks AMAZING. The sunrise rising over the entire NYC area during the battle on top of the Empire State Building is stunningly beautiful. This movie has some of the most amazing 3D rendered environments I have ever seen. Wow! And Kong? Extremely well done.

But great special effects do not a great movie make.

Rating: 1 star.

Watching Titanic last night on HBO-HD, I made the mistake of leaving the TV on when I went to gather up some dinner. When I returned, Meet the Fockers was coming on, the sequel to Meet the Parents.

I must have been bored, because I ended up watching the whole thing.

While it did have some funny moments - particularly Robert DeNiro as the uptight ex-CIA father obsessing over his daughter, and Dustin Hoffman as the overly bohemian father of the groom - overall the movie was WAY too stupid and predictable and contrived.

*sigh*

The featured review on IMDB say "good acting covered up by poor writing and terrible directing". Yep, that pretty much nails it. DeNiro and Hoffman are great - but they have crap material to work with.

Next time I should check the reviews first.

Rating: 1 star.